Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
