I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
