none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
