the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
