I can't breathe out the right side of my face
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
