I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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