I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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