Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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