at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
