Four minutes until I can fart!
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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