you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
