If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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