I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
