She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
