No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
