I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Randomize
