She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
