Please, let me fuck your mom
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
there is puke in my bra ... again
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
