It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
