You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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