What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
