Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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