I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
