Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
