So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
