Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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