just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Is it because I queefed?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You can't just leave with hair like that
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
