The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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