btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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