The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
