she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
