he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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