when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
