This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
