I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
