I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
