you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
