Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
