Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
