I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
