he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
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