I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
