We won't sleep together?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Come see our sink grown plant.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
