I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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