I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
