I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
