shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
