When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
