I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
