I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
